The Adventures of Harry Pothead and Chums
by lozza1989
Summary: This is my First Harry Pothead story so go easy on me. Starring Harry and Ron the Smackheads, Hermione the Alcoholic, Neville the pimp, Malfoy, the boy who talks like he is black, Mr T, the New Defense agaisnt the dark arts Teacher, plus more.NO FLAMES!
1. Chapter 1

The advenutres of Harry Pothead and chums

Disclaimer: Please note that this is a parody, so don't take it to serioulsy and I can also gurantee that this is gonna be one hell of a funny story so don't forget to check it out my fellow readers and please leave a review stating your opion.

First of, we shall begin with the top ten rules of Hogwarts

In Hogwarts...

1. Thou shalt get high, drunk or Stoned

2. Thou shalt be ghettos

3. Thou shalt be pimps

4.Thou shalt not be sober

5. Thou shalt talk like they iz black

6. Thou shalt be gangstas

7. Thou shalt buy pot from Voldemort (Slytherins only)

8. Thou shalt buy weed from Dumbledore (Gryffindors only)

9.Thou shalt not be non-ghettos

10. Thou shalt have a good time

NOW THIS IS THE REAL STORY

It was a nice, breezy day at Hogwarts and Harry Pothead, along with his very good chum Ron Weasley where sat under a tree smoking weed.

"Oh man, I'm Fuckin stoned" Harry Stated. "True, true" Ron replied, taking a puff. Just at that moment, a very Drunk Hermione came staggering up to them. "Yo, what are you guys up tooooooooooo?" she slurred, waving a vodka bottle about as Draco Mlafoy, the boy who talks like he is black came striding over to the three Gryffindors.

"Yo, waddup with yo mother fuckas?" he demanded. "None of your buisness, Maaaaaaaaaalfoy burp" Hermione replied in a slur. Malfoy stood in front of her face. "Shut up, yo White assed bitch" and he turned around and walked back towards the castle.

later that day, the three of them ran into Neville the pimp, who was chatting up both the parvati twins. "So, which one of you fine chicks wants to go on a hot date with me?" he asked. "We both do?" the twins chanted. "Wow, I'm one lucky bastard" and he stood up, walked out with his arms around both girls.

"That Neville Longbottom is one bad ass pimp" Harry informed as he lighted a joint.

Later, in Defense agaisnt the dark arts, Their teacher, Mr T was teaching them about how to defend themselves agaisnt dark magic.

"Listen up Fools, you all must learn how to defend yourselfs agaisnt the dark arts, otherwise you will be dead fools" he informed. Just then, Hermione cmae staggering in, obvioulsy pissed.

"You is late fool" Mr T barked. "Soz, I lost track of time" she slurred before slumping onto her seat next to Malfoy. " Give me dat booze snow hoe" He demanded . "Never, I conquer the booze, I CONQUER THE BOOZE" Hermione bellowed causing all the other students to turn around and give her odd looks. "SIT DOWN YOU FOOL" Mr T thundered. Hermione fainted onto the floor because she was very drunk.

"Meh, let's just leave her there until she comes round, damn fool".

Meanwhile, Lord Voldemort was in the dungeon selling pot to the Slytherins when Malfoy came along to buy some.

"Yo, Voldie man, wad up with yo?" Malfoy asked. "Nothing dawg, me iz sellin g dis pot, wanna buy some?". Malfoy nodded. "Gimmi some of dat stuff you white freak" he demanded. "Ok, here iz ya pot yo dipshit" Voldemort said, giving Malfoy the Pot.

"Thanks yo nigga" and he ran off. "Hey, I aint no nigga" Voldemort shouted.

"Harry, can I try some of that?" Ron asked. "Sure thind dawg" Harry replied, giving Ron his joint who puffed it. "Woah, this is good shit". Suddenly, A random Student came running up to them.

"You have got to come and see this, Dumbledore's selling weed to Gryffindors". Huge grins broaded across Harry and Ron's stoned faces. "Well, what are we wainting for, let's buy some of dat shit".

to be continued...


	2. Snape goes Gangsta

Snape goes Gangsta

Harry and Ron, stoned as they could ever be, ran towards the great hall and spotted Dumbledore at the high table, selling out weed.

"Yo, dawg I'm gonna buy dat shit" Harry declared as he made his way towards the high table, Ron following behind him. "Yo, Dumbledore man, gimmi some of dat good shit". Dumbledore smiled and pulled out a box of weed.

"How many bags do you wanna take?" he asked, looking into Harry's bloodshot eyes. "I'll take ten bags, five for me and five for my good buddy Ron" he gestured pointing to Ron who was claiming that he could see pink Rabbits. "Very well, take ten bags of weed". Hary giggled with glee and grabbed ten bags of weed.

"Damn, this shit is gooooooooood, I'm so fuckin stoned" Harry said as he sniffed his weed. Ron also did the same. "Yo dawg, this is da shit". Suddenly, their good moment was interupted by someone swearing the odds.

"Who is that?" A stoned-faced Ron wondered. It was Snape, who was dressed like a gangsta and walking over to them.

"You, Pothead and Weasley, you are bad mother fuckas" Snape pointed out before turning around and breakdancing back towards the castle. "I think old Snivelly's gone Gangsta man" Harry pointed out. Just then, Pimp Neville was walking towards them, arm around Ron's sister, Ginny.

"Yo, get your pimpy hands of my sista" Ron ordered. "Oh shut ya face Ron, Neville's taking me on a hot date tonight. He is one sexy beast" and she giggled insanely as she and Neville walked back towards the castle.

"Wow, I never knew that Ginny was the one who went for Pimps" Ron said. "Well, at least you know now" Harry informed, sniffing his weed.

"Snape, you are a bad ass Gangsta fool" Mr T told Snape who was busy Break dancing. "Yo, shuddup, I iz practicing me dance moves on da floor" Snape replied as he did the worm.

"Whatever Fool, hey can I join in with you too, Fool?" Mr T asked. "Yeah, whatever" Snape replied. Mr T got on the floor and started Breakdancing with Snape as Filch came along and saw them Breakdancing.

"What are you two idiots doing?" he asked. "Breakdancing fool" Mr T replied. "Can I try it?" Filch asked. "Yeah, dude" Snape said. He put down Mrs Norris and joined in with the Breakdancing. It wasn't long before Mrs Norris, the cat was doing Breakdancing along with them.


	3. Harry and Voldie get high

Harry and Voldie get high

Harry and Ron had finished with sniffing their weed for a while and now they were headed up to Gryffindor tower.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, I have never been so stoned in all my life" Ron said as they reached the entrance to the common room, where they could hear moaning and groaning coming from inside.

"Oooooooooh, looks like somebody's having some fun" Giggled Harry. Ron turned to the potrait of the fat lady. " We wanna go in, Bitch" he declared. "password? you insolent little Bastard" she ordered. "I don't fuckin know" Ron replied, throwing his hands in the air. "It's Ghetto paradise" Harry said as the potrait swung open. The boys climbed inside the common room and the moaning and groaning sounds where getting louder.

"I think it's coming from the boys domitries" Ron pointed out. Then came a voice which sounded like "Oh Neville, Oh Ne--ville". Looking at each other, Harry and Ron ran into the boys domitries and saw Neville and Ginny at it (don't worry, they used protection). "Ginny, what the fuck are you doing, Bitch?" Ron demanded to know. "Shut up Ronald, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough" and she clambered out of the bed and put her trousers back on. "See you later sexy" said Neville, laying in a sexy position. "Ok then, Hot stuff" she kissed him and flounced down the stairs. "Neville,you really are one bad ass pimp, now get dressed, I'm bored and I wanna play a dare game" Harry ordered.

Minutes later, Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny and a as usual Drunk Hermione where all in the common room, sat in a circle. Neville had his arm round Ginny, Harry and Ron where smoking joints and Hermione was clutching a vodka bottle.

"So, who wants to do the first dare?" Ron asked. "I'll do it dawg, it was my idea for this mother fucking dare game" Harry said. "Ok" Neville began " I dare you, to go down into the dungeons and buy some pot from Voldemort". At this point, Hermione let out a terrifying shriek. "Holy shit, Voldemort's (hic) in the castle" she slurred as she staggered on the spot. "Well, there's only one person who we can for heeeeeeeeeeelp". Staggering, she pulled out her wand and pointed it at the sky. "Accioooo, Bat-signal" she slurred. The Batman-call signall flashed above Hogwarts.

"Hermione, Batman isn't a real person, he's a made up character who appears in comic book and movies, damn bitch" harry explained. The Bat-signal vanished and Hermione slurred "Well, I remeber my daddio watching this mooooovie called Batman, I thought it was reality" she slurred. "She's drunk, otherwise she wouldn't be saying this" Ron whispered. "Well, are you going to do your dare or what Harry?" Ginny asked. "Yo, I iz not scared of dat bad ass Mother fucka" and he got up and walked out of the common room.

In the dungeons, the unsuspecting Voldemort was chilling out, smoking some pot when A stoned Harry made his appearence.

"Yo, Vold. ya white mother fucka, gimmi some dat shit" Harry demanded. "Get lost pottaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" Voldemort replied. "Not until ya gimmi some pot, ass-hole". The stoned dark lord got to his feet and pointed his wand at Harry. "Yo ass is mine, Bitch" he sneered. "First, let's get high" Harry suggested, showing his joints to Volemort.

"Oh, here has harry got to, it's been three hours" Ron wondered as he hung upside down on the sofa. Neville and Ginny where snogging on one of the chairs and Hermione was staggering about.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllll, go down there and see what he's up toooooooooooooooooooooo" she slurred then collasping onto the floor. Ron turned the right way up and left the common room.

Meanwhile, Harry and Voldemort where high, in the dungeons.

"Damn , this shit is good" Voldemort said, taking a puff from his joint. "Tell me about it dude" Harry replied. "So, yo got any other good shit?" Voldie asked. "Sure dude, I also got Da weed" and he pulled out a bag of weed. Voldemort grabbed the bag from Harry and began sniffing it. "Wooooooooooooh, this shit is good" he said in ectasty. Just then, Ron Appeared and saw Both harry and Voldemort, high as birds.

"Harry, yo iz getting high with that bad ass mother fucka?" Ron demanded to know. "Yo, Ginger, come and join us, this is some good shit" Voldemort suggested. "Meh, what the heck, I love getting high. No matter if it is will Voldemort" and he joined them both in getting high.


	4. Dumbledore's great news

Dumbledore's great news

Hours had passed since Harry, Ron and Voldemort where all sat in the dungeons getting high but now, the two boys alongside many other students where all piled in the great hall as Dumbledore had an annoucment to make.

"I would like to point out that in a few months time, there will be a rapping contest and the student who gives the god damn best rap wins a year supply of joints. Now anyone who is interested in taking part in this rapping contest should sign their names on the big paper that is situated outside the greathall, thankyou. You may now leave". The students scapered and Harry lit a joint.

"Yo dawg, I might take part in this rapping contest" He suggested. "But, it's not for a couple of months" Ron suggested. Harry puffed his joint and blew smoke in Ron's face. "So, that could give me time to practice" Harry suggested. Ron took out a joint from his pocket and lit it. "Ya know somthing dude, I might sign up for this rapping contest". Harry smiled "That's fine dawg, come on, let's sign our names and get stoned".

Meanwhile, Malfoy was also plotting to enter in the rap contest.

"I iz so gonna kick those white asses at dat mother fucking rapping contest" he told crabbe and goyle. "But, are you sure you can dig it?" asked Crabbe, clicking his fingers at a rapid pace. "Shut ya face yo nigga, I iz well good init. Black rapping is my style" and he made a peace sign then walked off. Goyle shook his head. "He talks like he is black, but he ain't black". Crabbe nodded in agreement. Elsewhere, Mr T and Snape had become facinated by this whole rapping contest and they too decided to put thier names up for it.

"I iz well good at rapping fool" Mr T bragged. "Ha, I iz gonna kick dat black ass of yours" Snape pointed out. He then started spinning on his head whilst rapping. "S to the n to the a-p-e, Snape iz my name, don't ya diss me, I'm your Mother fucking potions master, don't ya fuck wit me, don't ya niggas fuck wit me". Mr T branded him as a show off.

"I could still beat you, Fool". Snape flipped him off. Later that day, McGonogall looked up at the list of the people who had signed up for the Rapping contest. They were, Harry Pothead, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape and Mr T.

"Move out of me way, ya wrinkly Bitch". McGonogall swivelled around and saw Voldemort stood behind her. "I wanna sign me name for the rapping contest" he spat. "Well, you could have asked nicely" she spat. "Shut yo face Bitch, I never ask nicely" and he booted her out of the way and signed his name. "I iz gonna show those Bitches who's da Best rapping in da world" and he started breakdancing back to the dungeons.

"So Harry dude, ya think ya might win this rapping contest?" Ron asked,stoned as hell. "Maybeeeeeeee Dawg, I iz well good at rapping. Ooooooooooooh man, I'm so fuckin stoned" replied Harry as he heavily puffed his bong. "Soooooooo am I, I'm stoned as fuck" added Ron. In the Great Hall, Neville was chilling with his Bitches, Ginny, Cho, and Luna. "Why don't you sign up for the rapping contest, you look so sexy when you rap" Ginny said seductivly. "How do you know that I rap in secret?" Neville asked. "Because, sex machine, I've been watching you" Replied Ginny in a sexy tone. Neville nodded in agreement. "You're right, I mght give this rapping contest a go, A pimp's rap". His Bitches sighed and began loving him up. "Ooooooooh, this could only get better" he said grinning to himself.

The only person who wasn't interested in the rapping contest was Hermione and Harry and Ron couldn't understnad why she wouldn't take part.

"I'd rather get pissed than take part in a raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaping contest" she slurred. Harry grimaced as she tried to make a move on him.

"Hermione, stop trying to love me up, Bitch" he spat. Hermione didn't say anything, she just staggered away from him and into the girl's toilets. "Where are you going?" Ron asked. "Toooooooooo the chamber of secrets, to get pissed and have a party" she slurred then dissapearing into the bathroom where Moaning mytle was screaming at Hermione to leave the bathroom. "Oh shut the fuck up, Bitch" came Hermione's drunken cry causing Mytle to cry floods.

"Meh, who needs beer when ya can get stoned?" Harry suggested. Ron nodded in agreement.


	5. Welcome to Ghettoville

Welcome to Ghetto-ville

The next day, Hogwarts had organised a trip to a place callled Ghetto-ville and Harry and Ron were excited because they knew that this was the ultimate place to get stoned.

" We have to make sure that we take plenty of weed, bongs, joints and spliffs with us" Harry informed proudly. "Yo dawg, I totally agree with you dude" Ron replied in agreement. When the students who were going all piled at the front door, McGonogall had a few rules to declare.

"I don't want you all to turn your nose away from the life of Ghettos, I want you to respect them and remember, have fun, get drunk and enjoy yourselves". Soon the crowd cheered and they all scapered to Ghetto-ville.

Ghetto-ville was a place that Harry and Ron had most desired. It was full of crack-heads, Gangstas,Pimps and Alcoholics. "This is the place that I want to get married, live and raise my children in" Harry suggested as he smoked a spliff. "Dude, I so totally agree wit you, dawg" said Ron as he too, smoked a spliff. Elsewhere Malfoy was talking to a bunch of Black people.

"Why iz yo talking like yo iz black, yo ain't black" A black Gangsta said when Malfoy started talking like a black to them. "I iz like totally black mother fucka" Malfoy replied. Another black shoved Malfoy into a wall. "Yo cannot hang wit us coz you aint black, bitch" he spat. Malfoy wasn't having any of this and was pissed off. " I iz so like totally black" he declared. Unfortunatly, the real blacks just laughed at him. "Yo iz just a black wannabe. Now piss off before we bust a cap in yo ass". Relunctantly, Malfoy walked away from the real Blacks and looked in a shop that was for blacks only. He got booted out mere seconds later. "AND DON'T SHOW YO WHITE ASS AROUND HERE AGAIN" Yelled the shop owner as Malfoy got up to his feet.

Elsewhere in Ghetto-ville, Harry and Ron were hanging around a bunch of people who were getting high.

"So, iz ya gonna take part in this rapping contest that you iz having at your school?" asked one of the spliff-smokers. Harry and Ron nodded. " It is what we always dreamed off, to be the best rappers in world" Harry stated. "Well, goodluck with it dudes" said another crack-head, shaking both Harry and Ron's hands "and have fun in Ghetto-ville". Harry and Ron nodded and walked away to find a shop that sold weed. Snape was having the time of his life. He was chilling with a bunch of Gangstas, talking about the up-coming rapping contest.

"So, snape-dude. Yo think that yo iz da best rapper in da whole school?" Asked one of the Gangstas. "Two right I am mother fucka, I'm the best god damn rapper that anyone has met, bitch" Snape snapped. The Gangstas nodded and some of them said "dude". Snape then decided to entertain the Gangstas by showing them his dance moves. Not far away, Voldemort was robbing a pot-shop and the owner was doing his best to stop the dark-lord from taking all his pot. "You cannot stop me Bitch, I am Lord Voldemort and I do what the fuck I want bitch" and without paying for it, ran out of the shop with all the pot but was caugh by a ghetto police man.

"You take that back yo son of a bitch" the ghetto-cop ordered. Instead of doing what he was told, Voldemort killed the cop and walked over his body. "See, No-body tells me what to do" and he sat in a doorway and smoked the pot. "Maaaaaaaaaan, I'm fuckin stoned" he said to the heavens. Many people laughed at Voldemort as he swayed on the spot, a stupid grin across his face whilst saying "wow, look at all the pink flying bunny rabbits, they are so cute".

Meanwhile, a bad-ass Ghetto-ville resident had beaten the crap out of Harry and Ron and Stole their weed.

"Oh well, at least we got our joints" Harry said as he helped Ron to his feet. " But that weed was the best shit I'd ever had". He burst into tears and Harry put a comforting arm around him. "There there, I'll try and get us some more from Dumbledore first thing in the morning". Ron sniffed and wiped his nose on Harry's sleeve. "Thanks dawg" he said. "Come on, let's get stoned in a puplic toilet" Harry suggested. "I'm right behind you" Ron said in a excited tone.


	6. Party at Hagrid's

Party at Hagrid's

After returning from Ghetto-ville, Harry and Ron were approached by Hagrid.

"Yo, Hagrid dude, wassup?" asked a unmistakably stoned Harry. "I'm having a party at me hut, wanna come along?" Hagrid asked. Both Harry and Ron grinned and nodded. "Shall we tell Hermione about it too, she'd love a party" Ron suggested. Hagrid sighed. "Well, if it keeps that alcoholic bitch happy then be my guest" and he strode of out of sight.

That evening, the two boys headed down to Hagrid's hut and knocked on the door. "Who is it?" came Hagrid's voice from above the music that was playing. "It's us" Harry and Ron said together. The door opened and Hagrid stood there with a can of lager in his hand. "ahhhhhhhhhh, welcome, welcome to my crib, please come in". Harry and Ron walked in and they were both surprsied to see who was also there. Dumbledore, McGonogall, Snape, Hermione, Mr T and Malfoy. "Yo, Pothead, Weasley. Come for the ultimate party have you, I love parties" said Dumbledore who was dressed in jeans, trainers and a white T-shirt which read I LOVE HOGWARTS in bright pink glittery letters.

"Yeah, yeah we have" Harry replied. He and Ron sat down and lit joints. "So, who wants a beer?" Hagrid asked. Snape, Dumbledore and of course, Hermione shot up their hands and Hagrid tossed one to each of them. "Don't you want one McGonogall?" Hagrid asked. "Oh, go on then you great hairy beast"she giggled. Hagrid tossed her a beer when there was a knock at the door.

"oooooooooooooh, I wonder who that is?" Hagrid asked. "Well answer it then, ya hairy mother fucking bitch" Malfoy barked. Hagrid opened his door and there stood Neville with his Bitches.

"Oh, look it's the pimp, what can I do for you?" Asked Hagrid. "Well" Neville said " me and my bitches heard that you were having a party at your crib and I was wondering if we can join in too?". Hagrid sighed. "Ok then, and bring your bitches in too". Neville smiled and put his arms around his bitches. "Well ladies, are you in the mood for a party?" he asked, making his eyesbrows dance up and down. "Oh Neville" came his Bitche's replie.

Three hours later, the party was in full swing, Harry and Ron were stoned and drunk, Hermione was just drunk, Malfoy was breakdancing, Snape and Mr T were beating the hell out of each other, McGonogall was laughing, Neville was being stroked by his bitches and Dumbledore was stood on the table, rapping.

"Yo, Yo, I iz da Dumbledore, D to U to the M-B-l to E to the D to the O-R-E. Now don't,cha bitches dig my song, coz I iz da Dumbledore, singin me song, I iz gonna use me hands to make ya dance so get of ya buts and jig wit me, to da Dumbledore rap, woop, I iz one bad headmaster, to da Dumbledore rap. Me beard is long, but I don't care, I just wanna sing me song, so get along,wooooooooooop, boing, So dig it yo bitches, just hang in da ditches, to da dumbleodre rap, yo, to da Dumbledore rap. Now it iz time to say goodbye, but don't ya god damn mother fuckas cry, coz I iz Da Dumbledore, singing me song, plus me beard is song, but I don't care, I just wanna sing me song, peace". The guests all applauded as Dumbledow did a bow. "Thankyou, thankyou. Thankyou for listening to my Dumbledore rap".

"Dude, he is one bad-ass Headmaster" Harry stated. "True, true" Ron replied, taking a puff from his joint. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I'm so fuckin stoned " said Harry as he passed out. "God dammit, I'm fuckin stoned too" added Ron as he too passed out. Hagrid looked down at them both. "Harry, Ron, are you two ok?" he asked.

"I think they smoked too much of them joints" Hermione slurred as she too passed out. Soon, everyone was passing out except for Neville who was at it with his bitches.

"It's all gone quiet" Luna said. "Meh, probaly fell asleep or something. come on then bitches, let's have fun" Neville said. "oooooooooh yes Neville" said all his Bitches.


	7. The morning after

The Morning after

The next morning,Harry and Ron woke up with hang-overs.

"Man, I have never been so pissed in all my life" Ron groaned as he sat up and clutched his head. "Dude, I got so totally stoned and pissed last nice. So, you wanna get stoned some more?".Ron groaned louder and collasped on the floor. "I'll take that as a no then?" Harry asked. Ron nodded and drifted of the sleep. "Well, when you recover, meet me at the whomping willow, I wanna get proper stoned" and he walked out of Hagrid's hut, carrying at least 12 bongs, 50 spliffs, 30 bags of weed and half a dozen joints.

Harry sat under the whomping willow (which was drugged up by Harry and hads it's branchs tied in bow) and smoked a magic bong. He was really stoned that he imagined about a hundred Umbridge's walking on the grounds. "Yo, Harry dude. I'm back, let's get stoned" came the fully recovered voice that belonged to Ron weasley.

"Dude, what's with all the Umbridge clones walking about?" Harry said who was red-eyed. Ron looked around but saw nothing. "Dude, I don't see any fuckin Umbridge clones. I think that Bong's making you see things that arn't there but hey, can I have a bash at it?". Harry nodded and Ron took the magic bong. He then started seeing the Umbridge clones. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, look at all the Umbridge's. March of the toads". Harry burst out laughing and puffed his magic bong. "Yeah, the Umbridge's are marching, that's why it's called March of the toads". The two of them burst into hysterical giggles and Ron who was stoned as hell admitted he'd pissed hiself.

"Dawg, where did all those Umbridges come from?" Ron asked as he heavily puffed his magic bong. "Dunno, probaly from the Planet Umbridge". They started laughing again, rolling about and clutching their sides. "Help, help, the world is being invaded by Umbridge's. Have mercy on us, oh great toads of the Umbridge world". Ron couldn't stop laughing at Harry's comment. After a while, they managed to stop laughing too much and decided to talk about the rap contest.

"So, Harry dude, you thought of a good rap to rap at the rapping contest?" Ron asked. "Fuck all, dude. I haven't thought of a single rap yet" came Harry's reply .Suddenly, a large spider came scurrying out of nowhere and Ron crapped hiself. "Fuckin hell" Sqeaked Ron as the Spider took Hold of their Magic Bongs and made of with them.

"BLEEDING BONG THIEF"Harry yelled, shaking his fist at the spider who had dissapeared into the forbidden forest. Ron started crying and ordered the whomping willow to do him in.

"Ron, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Harry asked. "I'm commiting suicide" replied a distraught Ron. "Why are you commiting suicide?" Harry wondered.

"BECAUSE THAT EIGHT LEGGED BASTARD STOLE MY BONG, NOW I'M GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE" and he prepared to do so when Harry took out some more bongs. "Ron, look. I've got more Bongs so you don't need to committ suicide". Ron turned around and saw Harry holding a pair of brand new bongs. "Yay, more bongs. Now I'm not going to commit suicide" and he didn't.

Meanwhile, in the dungeons, Voldemort was down to his last packet of pot and several Slytherins were all going on the rampage, not giving up until they got some pot.

"I've only got one packet for one you animals, so get,cha asses outta here before I do someting I really regret". The slytherins scarpered and Voldemort was satisfied."Phew, now I can smoke this good shit in peace".


	8. Flamefarts

Flame-farts

Voldemort sat crossed legged on the dungeon floor, smoking his beloved pot and drinking beer.

"Wooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is goooooooooooooooood" he said to himself full of happiness and the purpose of being stoned. Just at that moment, Snape appeared and he was dressed like Ali g.

"Booyockasha, wooop ,woop. I iz da Snapester, check, check ,check it mofo's. Ooooooooooooh ya, Bo Selecta". Voldemort looked at Snape with deep confusion. Even though he was really stoned and a little bit drunk at the same time, he could still make out Snape's ridiculas outfit. "Snape man, what are you wearing you fool, idiotic bitch?" he demanded. "Shut yo face you white assed freak, this is my new style. I'm going propa Gangsta I tell thee" and then he began clicking his fingers at a rapid pace.

"Snape, I don't know what goes on in that head of yours, Bitch" Voldemort replied, shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were letting off Flame-farts with their bong lighters.

"Ready, aim, firrrrrrrre". Ron Farted and a huge fireball spread across the grounds. "Dude, that was one bad-ass flame fart. Ok my turn". Ron held the lit lighter to Harry's ass and Harry farted and another fire-ball flew into oblivion. "Fuckin hell dude, That was a massive fart" Ron giggled. Harry bowed in pleasurement. " I thankyou, oh great lord of the gingers". Ron laughed until he demanded for his turn. Just as Harry placed the lighter near to Ron's ass, Snape came towards them.

"Yo, Pothead, Iz you planning on setting fire to Mr Weasley's Ass?" Snape asked. "No sir, we were just doing some Flame-farts" Harry stated, expecting for a detention. But Instead, Snape asked if he could try it out.

"Erm, ok " Ron replied,giving Snape the odd look. "Ok, potter, light dat lighter. Mother fucker". Relunctantly, Harry lit the lighter and placed it near Snape's ass. Snape farted and a humongus Fire-ball erupted, just missing the school by inches. " Man, that was one kick-ass fire-ball" Ron said in amazement. Just then, Voldemort appeared and caught them doing Flame-farts.

"Hey, I want to try that, bitches" he demanded. "No, piss off Voldie" Harry ordered but Voldemort refused to budge. "Let me have a go at that or I'll turn you into a bitch, bitch". Sighing, Harry allowed Voldemort to place his ass behind the lighter. The Dark Lord then farted and a huge fireball erupted,it then flew into the sky and landed in china, setting fire to half of the country.

"Ha, I'm the best farter, my fireball landed in a different country. Bitches" and he did a victory dance. Harry and Ron decided that they had enough of Flame-farts and wanted to get stoned instead.

"Oh, yo iz boring, innit" Snape said, clicking his fingers. "Please, go away Snape dawg, we wish to get stoned in peace if you don't mind" Ron ordered. Snape flipped him off and did a breakdance back tot he school.

"Thankgod we got rid of those two" Harry sighed as he pulled out a big bag of weed and sniffed it heavily. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, that's gooooood".

After a few hours of getting stoned, Harry and Ron returned to the castle to find every single Hogwarts resident, included the Ghosts doing Flame-farts.

"Dude, what the fuck is going on?" Harry asked. "Yo, it'z all me idea innit, zis iz well wikid, gettin everyone in Hogwarts to do Flame-farts. It's propa Bo I tell thee" Snape said chirply.

"Man, Snape's proper changed innit. The old Snape would despise of something like" Harry reported. "Ron, what the hell are you doing?". Harry had caught Ron Doing a flame-fart. "Oh come on dude, you enjoy doing this sort of thing" Ron said. Harry shrugged and decided that he might as well join in with the flame-farts

--

Author's note: After when I've finished this story, I'm thinking about doing a sequel. Do you think I should do A sequel or should I just stick with this one? You choose, whether you'd like a sequel because if you do then I'd be happy too ori f you don't then it's your choice. Thanks for reading anyway and the reviews, I really appreciate it.


	9. The search for the missing bong

The search for the missing bong

After hours of Flame-farting, Harry and Ron decided to retreat back to the whomping willow to smoke some more of the magic Bong.When Ron went to collect it, he came back five minutes later, crying his eyes out.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Harry asked curiously. "THE BONG'S GONE,IT'S BEEN STOLEN" Ron sobbed. Dramaticly, Hary dropped to his knees and shouted "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". So, the pair of them went on a hunt for the missing Bong . Meanwhile, Malfoy and Voldermort were having the time of their lifes, sniffing gasoline.

"Maaaaaaaaaan, this stuff is da shit" Voldemort said in ectasy. "You said it motherfucker" replied Draco whilst Voldemort drank the gasoline.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Malfoy asked as Voldemort took out a match and lit it. "Watch, bitch" Voldemort replied. Malfoy watched as Voldemort put the lit match in his mouth and flames erupted from his mouth, scorching the walls.

"Damn,that was some good shit. let me try it" Malfoy demanded. "Ok, here you go you wonderful son of a bitch" replied Voldemort, giving Malfoy the gasoline and box of matches.

"Any luck yet?" Harry asked. Ron shook his head and replied "no dude, still no sign of the magic bong and I'm gagging for a sniff of it". Harry sighed and continued to search behind a bush.

"What are you guys doiiiiiiinnnnngggggg?". The two smack-heads jumped around and saw Hermione, clearly drunk. "We're looking for a magic bong, have you seen one anywhere?" Harry asked. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I haven't you bastard" Hermione replied as she fell face first into a pile Hippogriff dung. "Meh, let's just leave her there until she wakes up. Come on Harry, we've still got out missing bong to find" and the two boys walked off, leaving Hermione lying in the hippogriff shit.

Dumbledore was preparing for the big rap contest and decided to hire Louie Walsh, Sharon osbourne and Simon Cowell to judge the rapping.

"Would you mind doing a little demonstration for us?" Sharon asked. "Ok, watch this" Dumbledore declared. He then started doing the same rap he did at Hagrid's party.After he was finished he asked the judges what they thought and Simon Cowell, being himself of course simply said "I thought that was absolutely pathetic, you cannot rap or dance and you look like Father Christmas. Honestly, I've seen turtles that can rap better than you". Pissed off, Dumbledore turned Simon Cowell into a frog. He hopped onto Sharon's head and she ran out screaming with Louie chasing after her, attempting to get the Simon Cowell frog out of her hair.

At the same time as the god awful X factor reference, Harry and Ron had finally found there missing bong. It turned out that Snape had stolen it to smoke himself.

"Snape, what do you think you're doing. That's our bong" Harry declared when they caught him with it. "Oh shut up ass-hole, I found it and ya know the word, finders-keepers, losers weepers" and he puffed the bong in truimph. "That's it" snarled Harry, getting out his wand and pointing it at the bong.

"What do Ya think yo iz doing?" Snape demanded to know. "Taking back what is mine and Ron's, wingardium leviosa" and the bong floated out of Snape's hand and landed in Harry's. "Dude, you did. You saved our Bong" Ron said, clapping. "Too right I did. Come on Ron, let's the smoke the shit out of this thing" and the pair of them ran happily to the whomping willow to smoke their magic bong.


	10. Harry Vs Simon

Harry Vs Simon

Today was the day the Auditions for the rapping contest were going to take place. Harry was dressed in a true rapper fashion but Hermione was too drunk to care on how stupid he looked.

"Go and get them Harry, hic" she slurred as she waved a large bottle of blue Vodka about. "Whatever" replied Harry, taking out a spliff and lighting it before going off to find Ron.

"Yo Harry my dude, howz iz ya shit going?" Neville asked as Ginny, Luna and Cho smothered all over him. "Nothing Dawg, just looking for Ron" replied Harry. Neville nodded and polished his Pimp's cane.

"I saw Ron in da great hall entertaining for the evil judge" he said. Harry nodded and ran to the great hall. Neville turned to his love Bitches. "Ok ladies, let's say we go to the astronomy tower and have some fun" he suggested. Ginny, Luna and Cho giggled and squealed.

Harry ran towards the great hall and peered inside. he saw his best friend dressed in a large t-shirt and baggy shorts with a baseball cap on his head.

he had a microphone in his hand and was rapping.

"Just give me ya ditches ya mother fucking bitches

don't fuck wit me coz I iz not your average motherfucking asswipe

twit twit twi twitty twit twit, yo ma shit, da shit iz good, bitch" he sang then adding a little breakdance at the end. Simon Crowell (Simon Cowell's evil twin brother who happens to have the same first name but a different last name on account that he is married) leaned back in his chair and chewed is pen.

"So, what do you think dawg?" Ron asked with a hopefull look on his face.

"Well" Simon stated " I abolutely thought that was utterly and totally pathetic, you do not have the charisma of a ghetto rapstar" he explained, still leaning back in his chair. Ron felt insulted by this.

"You're wrong Dawg, I've so got the charisma of a Ghetto rapstar and don't you forget it" he said, pointing a finger at Simon who just rolled his eyes.

"look, just admit it, you're worthless and not good at rapping and one more thing I am not a dog, now piss off and don't come back". Ron went to object but Simon told him to piss off.

"Fine, I'm going you stupid muggle" and he gave Simon the bird and walked out.

"Yo Ron dude, how did it go?" Harry asked as Ron came stomping out in a strop.

"Awful, that Simon Crowell is one evil Motherfucker" he replied, taking out a bong and lighting it. "Anyways, I'm off to sit under the willow, you coming?" he asked.

"In a Minute, just got something I need to do first" Harry replied. "Ok dawg, I'll be under the whomping willow if ya need me" and he walked off.

Harry entered the great hall and made his way towards Simon.

"Hello young man, have you come to rap?" he asked Harry.

"No I have bloody not come to rap, I've come to tell you to stop critising my friend Ron" Harry barked at the sarcastic Muggle.Simon looked liked his eyes were going to pop out of his head as Harry put his face close to his.

"I think you are utterly and totally pure evil, you make Voldemort look like a icecream man who loves children. How dare you say my friend doesn't have the charisma of a Ghetto rapstar, he has so, he'll make a much better rapper than P-Diddy, Slim shady or all those other rappers in the rapping world. You haven't got no sense and your clothing sense is pathetic. I've never seen anyone who wears their trousers all the way up to the neck".

Simon kpet rolling his eyes as Harry continued to insult him.

"And don't think I'll be rapping for you because I won't rap for someone who says everyone is crap and rapping. Now if you'll escuse me, I'm off to get stoned with my good friend who is a good rapper and has got the charisma of a Ghetto rapstar" and he walked off in triumph.

Ron was sat under the whomping willow, utterly stoned when Harry arrived looking pleased with himself.

"Hey dude, I saved a bong for you" said Ron before noticing that Harry was looking hapy. "Hey dude, you look pleased with yourself". Harry nodded, sat down andl it his bong.

"Yeah, I've just done something I'm really proud off, so proud that I'm in the mood to get wasted, so i was thinking we throw a party in gryffindor tower, free beer and drugs for all".


	11. Party in Gryffindor tower

Party in gryffindor tower

"That sounds so awesome dipshit" Ron replied "I like the idea of a party". Soon, after midnight, the whole gryffindors were partying to loud music, beer and drugs. Hermione had already drunk two full beer kegs.

"hands of motherfucker, this is my beer" she screamed when a random student went to get some beer out of the third beer keg.

"You greedy bitch, this beer is for everyone" said the random student. "No bitch, this beer is mine, all mine, hahahahahahahahaha".

Meanwhile, Ron and Harry were chilling with a couple of spliffs and pot.

"Listen up dawg, I iz da best mofo you can ever hang out with" Ron said to a first year who was wanting to hang around with Harry and Ron.

"Man, you guys are well stoned" the first year pointed out. Harry was laughing in a stoned manner."Wanna try some?" asked Ron, offering some weed to the first year.

"Ok, might as well" replied the first year, shrugging his shoulders. He took a long drag from the weed and his eyes went bloodshot.

"Duuuuuuuuuude, this is da shit" he said then taking another heavy drag. "You can join with us, whatever your name is" said Harry, patting the first year on the back."My name is Nigel cooker" replied the first year as he smoked the weed.

Neville was on the couch, making out with Ginny, Luna and Cho.

"Man, those two arn't even in Gryffindor, how did they get in?" asked Seamus Finnigan who was struggling to stand up.

"I invited them you motherfucker. It's very important for us pimps to make out with more than one girl" Neville replied as Luna licked his neck. "Oh, baby". Hermione was utterly pissed now that she didn't have a clue what she was doing. She stood in front of a crew of sober boys and began to strip.

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU SLAG?" asked one of the boys who wern't drunk or stoned.

"I'm giving you boys a good time" Hermione slurred as she un-buttoned her blouse. She got bitch-slapped by one of them. "Piss of you bitch and get sobered up" the one who slapped her barked.

"You boys are mean" she sobbed as she fastened her blouse and downed another bottle of vodka.

Neville needed to use the men's room so he left his bitches alone. Ginny had a secret to tell Luna and Cho.

"Girls, I'm pregnant" Ginny announced "I took the test today and it was positive" Luna and cho gasped.

"So am I" cried Luna

"And me too" Cho added. "We're having Neville's babies". When Neville came back, the girls were sat in stunned silence.

"Hey bitches, what's up?" he asked them. "Neville, we need to talk to you, can we go some place private" Ginny suggested. "What's going on?" Neville asked. "Just come with us" Luna said. The three girls ushered Neville up to the dormitries and the others where unaware of why they took him up just assumed they were going for a bonk.

"I cannot believe that Neville is sleeping with my sister" Ron said. Suddenly, there came a yell from the dormitries.

"YOU THREE ARE WHAT?". Seconds later, Neville came rushing into the common room.

"Guys, I need to stop the party because I have an announcement to make, Ginny, Cho and Luna are Pregnant and I'm the daddy".

"Fuck me, I'm going to be an uncle" Ron gasped. "Good on ya dude" said Seamus, patting Neville on the back "you are going to be the proud father of three beautiful children".

"And If I get any boys, I will train them to be pimps like me" announced Neville proudly. Ginny skipped happily over to Ron.

"Did you hear that Ron, you're going to be an uncle, Uncle Ron" she announced proudly. "Yes Ginny, I heard" replied Ron then smoking a bong. Ginny smiled and skipped back to Neville.

"I think life is about to get very interesting" Harry commented.


	12. Mcdonalds at Hogwarts

McDonalds at Hogwarts

The next day, the whole school had piled into the great hall as Dumbledorte had an announcement to make.

"I would like to inform you that Hogwarts now has a McDonalds bar" the wise old man said.

"Dude" said Harry and Ron in interest. "Where is it yo white assed bitch?" Malfoy asked. "Why, it's over there" Dumbledore said, pointing to the far corner of the great hall where a McDonalds bar stood.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooh" said the students. "Hey, I think this school is just getting better" Ron said to Harry who was busy smoking a spliff and not taking much notice.

"What, what was you saying?" Harry asked. "The school getting better, you know, Dumbledore letting students smoke and drink, Snape being a gangsta and now a McDonalds in the great hall, can't this school get any better?".

"Yo said it dude" cried Snape who was the first at the McDonlads bar and getting served by Voldemort. He was wearing a blue and white striped search and a hat with a big letter M inprinted on it.

"Can I take your order please?" asked the Dark lord. "I want a big fat greasy cheeseburger with extra onions and gerkins, iz that ok wit u" Snape demanded.

"Would you like fries with that?" Voldy asked. "Yeah dude, make it extra fries, very greasy" replied Snape.

"How about a drink?" he who must not be named asked. "Sure, I will have da pepsi, innit" came Snape's response. He clicked his fingers like a true gangsta. "Ok, your order will be up shortly".

Five minutes later, Snape was munching on a very large cheeseburger and a large amount of fries.

"Damn, this iz da shit" he cried. A rather long queue of students where waiting to be served at the McDonalds bar.

" Look at snape dawg" said Ron, gesturing to Snape who was still devouring the fries and cheeseburger. "yeah, this school has gone to the dogs" Harry stated. "What dogs, I don't see any dogs" replied Ron, rather stupidly. Harry rolled his eyes and saw Neville's pregnant bitches approach the McDonalds bar.

"Hey, why are you three so fat?" Voldemort asked Ginny, Luna and Cho.

"We're pregnant" replied Luna. Voldemort raised his eyes in interest.

"Really, and who are the daddies?" he asked,looking around.

"I am" replied Neville. Voldemort's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"What, to all three of the babies?" he asked in shock horror. Neville nodded and grinned the most stupidest grin ever.

"You dirty homeboy" replied Voldemort "fathering three children by three different women, are you some kind of pimp or something?." Neville nodded again and put his arms round his bitches.

"Well, arn't ya gonna give us some Maccy Ds homie?" he demanded. Voldemort snapped back into reality and served them McDonalds.

"Enjoy" the Dark lord spat in sarcasm. Neville gave him the piece sign.

"later homie" he replied before walking off with the mothers of his children. Voldemort wished that he had spat in neville's burger but unfourtunatly, he didn't because he forgot you homies.

Later, Harry and Ron were chilling out in their usual spot underneath the whomping willow, eating McDonalds and smoking joints when Hermione came walking up to them, clearly pissed.

"Yo, what are you up to?" she asked as she struggled to stay balanced on her two feet.

"Get out ot it you drunken hoe" Ron spat.

"Don't you talk to me like that" Hermione slurred "it's not very nice and it's very immature."

"Do you mind, we are trying to smoke our joints in piece" Harry replied. Hermione threw her arms up in the air.

"Fine, I'm off for a lie down, and when I get up, I want you two out of it" she slurred before staggering back to the castle.

"What did she say?" Ron asked.

"I don't know" Harry replied "I'm too stoned to care." Ron shrugged and took a long drag from his joint.

"Man, is this stuff good or what?" the ginger asked his be-spectecled friend.

"Yeah, man I have never been so stoned in my life" Harry responded before passing out on the ground.

"Holy shit dude" Ron replied before passing out himself.


End file.
